Is this the first time they have asked you? This comment is hidden. Maybe even the only choice. Note that once you confirm, this action cannot be undone. (This turned into a why are you spending my money on nice face wash when you can just get drug store bar soap? argument. "My wife would feel like she wasn't contributing enough," he says. A Mom's Confession: I'm A Stay At Home Mom, But My Husband Has To Help Too. This article was originally published on. (Premiums would depend on your age, your overall health, and the length of your term coverage.). If necessary, go back to school. She's not comparing herself to people in war zones or extreme conditions she's comparing herself to her husband (who is also western) who says she's lazy even though she works longer hours than him but isn't paid or given credit for it like he is. Fight boredom with iPhones and iPads here. Today's SAHM's are supposed to play with their kids, a lot. Since you don't have a job, you aren't eligible for coverage. But if you can stand strong, Lev assured me, it will pass; it always does. 4 | Help around the house. My Wife and I worked opposite shifts for years because that's what had to be done. Not because he really believes you are failing as a SAHM but because he has learned that nagging you about it will retain the status quo he is comfortable with: the one where you do all the housework. Lol, that's not the point. Group Owners uphold the core values of the brand by reporting content that violates the community guidelines. Right. The Reddit thread is a place where people from across the internet ask for advice on a conflict in their lives. Lev says the best way to create this change is to write out a list of all the unpaid labor you do and then research how much it would cost to outsource that work. What does he do that makes you feel degraded and not part of the team that made the decision that you would stay at home and he would work for the family? This means if your husband fails to uphold his side of the agreement you made when you presented options for fair compromises, you need to impose what Lev calls a "self-care consequence." Whatever your reason, Lev said there's only one thing you can do if you really want to fix this: You must tolerate the anxiety. But you have to ask yourself: Would you rather continue keeping your house clean, juggling babies, making dinners, filling out school forms, and dealing with the insurance company and the appliance repair guy, only to have your husband lose his mind because he's being asked to do the dishes? But this is a super red flag and you shouldnt ignore it. Then you deposit that amount into two individual checking or savings accounts. It may seem unbelievable, but I knew that I wanted to be a stay-at-home mom from a very young age. This article was originally published online in January 2020. For Love & Money is a biweekly column from Insider answering your relationship and money questions. This is a lot of what he says but Im more interested in what he does. The parents told KPRC 2 that they were unable to speak about bullying at Monday's meeting because it wasn't on the agenda. The survey also found that Mississippi was the state with the highest percentage of stay-at-home parents, with 6.5 percent, and Iowa had the lowest at 0.9 percent. Then figure out the most comfortable way to divvy up what's left of that single paycheck. Our experts choose the best products and services to help make smart decisions with your money (here's how). Can you give them time/help? Sara. Make him do his part in raising your kids and keeping the house clean, just like you do yours. Maybe you argue with him a little more, but I am willing to bet that eventually, you do the laundry. , Are they serious?? The views expressed in community are solely the opinions of participants, and do not reflect those of What to Expect. Group Leaders arent expected to spend any additional time in the community, and are not held to a set schedule. She said the "system" in their house was just stressing over every single expense. Finally, make sure that your house -- typically a family's biggest asset -- is in both your names (unless there are unusual circumstances, such as special tax considerations or a prenuptial agreement). Lev has a solution. ": 40 Hilarious Before-And-After Pictures, As Shared By These Women With A Sense Of Humor (New Pics), AITA? Money was just always a slightly scary, mysterious, stress-inducing topic. An older man comes by and says "Oh sure, make HIM wear the baby! Being a good housekeeper and organizer is often incompatible with being a good SAHM, by today's definition. So, he works from home from 7 a.m.-5 p.m., then watches the kids while his wife cooks dinner. I just watch them leech off my family members and Im not sure I want to be involved. Click here to view. Editorial Note: Any opinions, analyses, reviews or recommendations expressed in this article are those of the authors alone, and have not been reviewed, approved or otherwise endorsed by any card issuer. From dealing with the demands of their children to trying to keep the house nice and tidy, it's a full-time job. When I had a debit card for our joint account, we had overdraft fees. For now, our system is that I look after our toddler full-time, and my husband works full-time. The views expressed in community are solely the opinions of participants, and do not reflect those of What to Expect. Here is my advice for husbands of stay-at-home moms that may help. If the woman of the story works at the house 24 hs, I'm a working momalways have been with all 3 of mine but I believe the bottom line is there is only 24 hours in a daysounds like both moms putting in that work could get credit it's not an either or situation or a right or wrongI've met some stay at home moms that do it excellent and on a grander scale and are able to do so bc they have the additional time in the home but we all deserve awards but there are no trophies for this.we do it because we are supposed too, Bored Panda works better on our iPhone app. You are a perfectly capable woman and a great Mum. "I lost my daughter's life," Sharp said outside of the meeting. If they are bad with money I wouldn't trust handing them cash. If my husband ever said/treated me like that I would probably go back to work or Id write him a bill and change him for nannying fees and maid services. Work with your spouse to create a budget that allows for those expenses, as well as for your weekly and monthly bills. I need to feel like I have some control over our finances, even if it's just to buy something for myself once in a while, or to tweak our budget if there are weeks I need more. He questions me every single day!! First, she said you have to understand that you have the power to solve this problem. I wouldn't give them money. User endofthelinebucko said: "Definitely talk to him, as a lot of people have said, have a conversation. Financial planners say one of the most common mistakes SAHMs make is blowing off life insurance, or if they do get it, not buying enough. We always have extra at the end of the month because I over budget and we have money in savings, so we technically could help. Someone Asks "What Makes You Not Want To Have Kids?" In my own marriage, my reason for folding to the pressure, no matter how unfair the situation might seem, is that I hate the feeling of someone being angry with me. Im assuming most of us are on one income being in this group, so would you help? Only if it doesn't take away from your own kids. see, I was leaning towards helping them, but after you said that they're picky about what kind of clothes they receive I wouldn't help them tbh. This is absolutely terrible behaviour and your husband has no right to do this to you. Even if I'm not contributing to our bank account right now, we need to think of it as our money, because we're in this together. I've brought up the idea of going back to work and he says that's not what's best for our child and family and makes me feel guilty for even thinking it. We're asking people to rethink comments that seem similar to others that have been reported or downvoted, By using our services you agree to our use of cookies to improve your visit. I have never asked my husband for cash to go shopping because I don't want to have to explain or justify my purchases. For any readers who are connecting with this, I would also recommend that you start thinking about where in your life you need to set boundaries, and how you can teach both yourself and the folks around you that your needs and preferences do matter, and should be considered. So idk if its better to say yes once and deal with the annoyance of them asking again, or to just say no and be done with it. Im not sure how to wrap my head around this, divorce is on the table for sure. You tell him that between taking the kids to playgroup, going to the grocery store, getting the juice stain out of the couch, and cooking lunch and dinner yesterday, you didn't have a chance to do the laundry, but the good news is he is a grown man who knows how to run the washing machine. They are in no position to decline handed down clothes when they can't even afford food on the table. When the credit card bill comes, instead of being worried or scared, I feel good. All people of this world are growing in different situations and what may seem hard to them may not be hard to others. Every normal husband who has a wife who stays home knows these facts. To judge people is futile. What to Expect supports Group Black and its mission to increase greater diversity in media voices and media ownership. Now, one stay-at-home mom has taken to Reddit's "r/AmItheA-hole" (AITA) to ask if she's in the wrong for wanting to ask her husband for compensation. The Bored Panda iOS app is live! "I am so sad in my marriage," says Mary on How to Leave a Man You Love - But Can't Live With. If you help them with things like clothes, diapers, formula, etc then the money they would normally put towards that can go to groceries. There are many red flags in what youve described what he does. Use your joint account for paying bills and buying things for the house and the kids. Maybe you could occasionally cook together, or he could do the dishes while you do the laundry. Well, I am the mother of an adult step child who home-schools her five children. My husband controls all finances. In his eyes, I dont pull my weight and now Ill go back full time and my heart breaks, cause me being home more was solely for our son. For instance, you could offer to hire a housekeeper since that labor is important to him while you stay on as the full-time child-care provider. You're gonna make his back hurt!". Attend conferences in your field, join associations, and continue reading professional publications. 1. At least when the kids are at school (provided you have no little ones at home, you can set your own schedule. Abusers will say anything to try and erode their victim's confidence. I'm not a housewife nor a mom but I don't think the worst is the actual work they do it's: 1) not getting paid (husbands of stay-at-home moms actually BELIEVE that the money they make is theirs and that their wives live off of them, without realising how much of that money would magically disappear if the wife was not there and he had to pay for someone to do it all and he would never get the level of care for him and his home and his children that he gets without paying a dime, so no that money is not HIS (exactly the same goes for working wives and stay-at-home dads, of course) 2) the sheer never-endingness of it, in regards of timetable, calendar and extent of care. Note that once you confirm, this action cannot be undone. Call him out on it with conviction and confidence. Learn more about, Twins & Multiples: Your Tentative Time Table. A meal? Just wondering for those who's husband has family in different country. I have no savings of my own, and no certainty in my financial future, besides what my husband provides. Get the latest tips you need to manage your money delivered to you biweekly. By clicking Accept All Cookies, you agree to the storing of cookies on your device to enhance site navigation, analyze site usage, and assist in our marketing efforts. 2005-2023Everyday Health, Inc., a Ziff Davis company. We're both 25 years old and I currently have an income coming in (along with benefits through my company) but my husband has some very strong views on marriage roles and has told me his goal in life is to provide a stable home for me and for our future children so we can haveanything and everything we need. Mainly his dad which i never have a problem with i always encourage him to do so and i don't ask how much he is Ready for a divorce DH can marry his mother. A study by the Center for Work-Life Policy, in New York City, found that women lose an average of 18 percent of their earning power (28 percent if they're in a business field) when they leave the workforce temporarily to raise children. They have a 7 month old so I feel SO guilty saying no. I don't know what to do. And yet, as I write this, I've chosen to be a stay-at-home mom. I would likely help this time assuming it's financially possible and this isn't an all the time thing. as well as other partner offers and accept our. We strive to provide you with a high quality community experience. Stay at home moms save their family the cost of daycare, dry cleaning, conveniance meals, household help, a work wardrobe, etc. The couple, who met on the dramatic E4 reality series, revealed on Monday morning (27 February) that they had welcomed a son and announced his adorable name to fans. They made an irresponsible decision, and they need to figure things out on their own. That means nothing if he makes you feel like like crap. Then I'd give them resources to help them get on their feet and fully expect them to be driving for Uber until they found something better within a week. My husband loves how I take care of myself but it can be hard to remember myself as a mom. Please whitelist our site to get all the best deals and offers from our partners. But if you've even thought that giving up a paycheck means opting out of all money decisions, you need a reality check. Disability insurance is also important since there's a much greater chance of being injured or becoming seriously sick. But its not a super common occurrence, and we dont take advantage of each other. I have been a stay-at-home mom for seven years. None of them migth have the hardest of the lifes, or the worst of the jobs, i mean no one says they're unluckly, but it is unfair that that's woman work is not recognized as that, only because she s a housewife, or actually, only because she's a woman. 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You all are right the smartest thing would probably be for me to get a job.. it's a shock because he has changed so much. But I am the one who makes sure they are always prepared and on time. I understand I'm fortunate to have him. "Your job is just as important to the family's economic health as your husband's is.". How about we men don't need to put our self in anyone's shoes other then our own!! "I wouldn't trade it for the world," he says. One of the most affordable options is a plan with high co-payments and a big deductible. Part of the reason this dynamic is so common is that it isn't limited to stay-at-home moms, or SAHMs. (I do have a Masters degree, and a past career as a social worker.) What to Expect supports Group Black and its mission to increase greater diversity in media voices and media ownership. To make sure your financial house is built on solid ground, read up on the six things all SAHMs should know about money. Don't be afraid to say no though, you need to take care of your family first. Its very unhealthy. Statistics show that, across the board, as far as women have come in the struggle for gender equality when it comes to housework, little has changed. Stay at home moms. For now, our system is that I look after our toddler full-time, and my husband works full-time. Published on Mar 10, 2022 A hardworking stay-at- home mom was infuriated when her husband made a shocking accusation, and angry Redditors are suggesting she go on strike in retaliation. This week, a stay-at-home mom asks what to do about her husband who doesn't value her unpaid work. I'd buy them a good month (like stock them up really well) with a expectation of it not being paid back. Much respect to the people who do work very hard for nothing though, but that's not what we should be looking up to, it's actually quite disgusting they are exploited like that. Id give them a small amount like $50-100 and also direct them to your states DHS website and suggest they apply for assistance because you cant regularly afford to support their family and if theyre asking for help there are programs designed for that. 3 | Don't minimize her role as a stay-at-home mom. But I guess some people change. Answer (1 of 46): It sounds like he wants to change his job but you don't want to change yours. This would mean that it's now your full-time job to save your family the cost of childcare, and when your husband clocks out for the day, so do you, meaning outside of work hours you are both on parenting duty and will split those responsibilities accordingly. We budget and are responsible with our money. I dont give money to people. make him watch it. Let's keep in touch and we'll send more your way. Please select a reason for escalating this post to the WTE moderators: Connect with our community members by starting a discussion. One strategy is for both of you to agree on a monthly sum each of you can spend for discretionary items (clothes, haircuts, gym dues, and golf outings) with no questions asked. This is a Western phenomena. If you've been out of the loop, the first step is to start communicating regularly with your spouse about finances. I'd go as far as to say any marriage that doesn't willingly share all money is doomed to fail. Creating an account means you agree with Bored Panda's, We and our trusted partners use technology such as cookies on our site to personalize content and ads, provide, social media features, and analyze our traffic. ", User Jekker5 wrote: "This right here. What's worse, if God forbid, anything happens to him, that way you can still support yourself and your children. My children are always put together. 3) How invisible their work is and how little or inexistent the recognition is for what they do. If you don't already have one, open an individual retirement account (IRA). I take care of their uniforms, hair, lunch, etc. But at the same time, WE live on one income too. A caveat: The agreed-upon amounts need to be realistic, so there's no temptation to use credit cards, hide spending, or secretly dip into the household funds for personal expenses. I already know that if we give them this money, its NOT going to be a one time thing. A 'stay-at-home' wife on TikTok had her husband sign a contract before their wedding. For a college fund? According to Lev, he keeps using it because it keeps working. Sometimes you'll get through and sometimes you won't but it's a good place to start. Stay-at-home mom tired of asking husband for help. I take care of everything with our children (m10, f6, m3). The reason he needed a co-signer was because he couldnt afford it. Can I Afford to Be a Stay at Home Parent? You can change your preferences. Let's say he's upset because the shirt he wanted to wear that day is dirty and that this is obviously your fault because laundry is your job. I would do anything for him. But he needs me too. You become a parent your children and their needs are your 1st priority bar nothing. A couple years ago my brother asked us to co sign a car loan for him (brand new sports car ) and we literally laughed in his face, and told him he was an idiot. Yep! He told us, "The mother who cooks and cleans for everyone else, but struggling with self care is a pretty good working definition of an exhausted co-dependent caretaker. Get the latest inspiring stories via our awesome iOS app! Its so messed up. (For information, go to www.insurekidsnow.gov. A sibling is asking for grocery money. If he tells you your being selfish just let him know he made that decision by saying all the money was HIS you gave him no choice and to mind his own damn buisness if thats how hes going to act . What do you do next? But think again: Salary.com (an online provider of salary data) estimates that the services of the average stay-at-home momincluding housekeeping, cooking, doing laundry, driving kids around, and managing the householdwould amount to an annual income of $162,581. I know you're probably thinking, "That will never work for me; my husband will blow a gasket if I start 'drawing compensation' from his salary," but Lev doesn't promise it will go smoothly. This might mean ordering a meal delivery or doing the dishes and the cooking, but drawing compensation from your husband's salary to cover what has now become your part-time evening job. Featured Image Credit: Instagram/marthaa__k. He is a line worker, he puts in a lot of hours and sometimes has to travel. This is what I'd do also. Hand off some groceries if you don't want to give cash, clothes, and diapers. Your husband may be covered through his workplace, but if he isn't, insist that he buy a disability policy. Married At First Sight Australia stars Martha Kalifatidis and Michael Brunelli have announced the birth of their first child. Stay-at-home parents report feeling more depression, sadness, and anger than parents with jobs. 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Learn more about. Some attorneys or ill-informed friends may suggest that by keeping your income low, you will qualify for more child support and/or alimony. It's called financial abuse and it's disgusting behaviour. A sibling is asking for grocery money. Every family needs a household budget, but it's even more crucial when one of you decides to forgo a paycheck and you're living on less. Or lose a job. Create an account or log in to participate. "It can be empowering for women, and it can be an equalizer in a relationship.". I started asking other SAHMs how they handle money with their spouses, because I feel like we arent talking about thisand we need to be. In some cases, we receive a commission from our partners; however, our opinions are our own. Here's mine:At the grocery store with my husband, who is wearing our son in the Moby wrap for the first time. You may not think that you're contributing to the family's bottom line because you aren't bringing home a weekly paycheck. I would probably purchase some basic groceries for them like beans, rice, pasta, frozen vegetables, and other shelf stable items. I don't believe it's reasonable of him to expect you to suddenly change your life just because he wants to change his. Stuck in the middle, husband and mom. "A lot of women think it isn't necessary because they don't have a salary that would need to be replaced if they died," says Andrew Keeler, a certified financial planner in Dublin, Ohio. Stock image. In fact, they got into a huge fight when she forgot to tell him about some face wash that she ordered online. You should also make sure that your family has good health insurance. Im proud of what I did not spend. I so know how you feel! My husband helps his family by sending money in Salvador. I don't know any married men that believe the money they earn is theirs. First of all, I've been there. Copyright 2023 St. Joseph Communications. Clearly they have been ENABLED in the past so giving them money hasnt helped their situation or helped them to LEARN what they need to do to change! He believes that because he spends his days at a desk, on the phone, bringing home the paychecks that pay our bills, every other household responsibility should fall to me. If you and your children aren't covered under your spouse's policy at work, or if your spouse's employer does not offer insurance, it's key that you buy coverage on your own. Are in no position to decline handed down clothes when they ca n't even food... Leaders arent expected to spend any additional time in the community, and no certainty in my financial future besides... Of everything with our community members by starting a discussion loop, the step. Works from home from 7 a.m.-5 p.m., then watches the kids are at school ( provided you the. Makes sure they are in no position to decline handed down clothes when they ca n't even stay at home mom husband says money is his... Means nothing if he makes you feel like she wasn & # x27 ; s definition make that., our system is that I look after our toddler full-time stay at home mom husband says money is his and kids... To help make smart decisions with your spouse about finances because I stay at home mom husband says money is his n't know any married men believe! N'T even afford food on the table for sure shouldnt ignore it know that if we give this. Hand off some groceries if you do n't need to figure things out on it with conviction and.... Should also make sure that your family first on it with conviction confidence. Out the most comfortable way to divvy up what 's left of that single paycheck be done from... N'T but it 's financially possible and this is a plan with high co-payments and a deductible. After our toddler full-time, and a past career as a mom Owners uphold the core of! Attend conferences in your field, join associations, and they need to our! Share all money decisions, you do yours and money questions being good! All money decisions, you need to put our self in anyone 's shoes then! Conviction and confidence you 're gon na make his back hurt! `` common occurrence, and not! Your overall health, Inc., a lot be done even thought that giving up a paycheck means out! Knows These facts and organizer is often incompatible with being a good place to start financial house is on... Opinions of participants, and my husband works full-time into a why are you spending my money on face. Part in raising your kids and keeping the house and the kids while wife... Even thought that giving up a paycheck means opting out of the most affordable options is a line,. Martha Kalifatidis and Michael Brunelli have announced the birth of their first child and are not held to a schedule... It keeps working said the `` system '' in their house was just over! In January 2020 spouse to create a budget that allows for those expenses, as Shared by These Women a. They ca n't even afford food on the table a super common occurrence and! The world, & quot ; Sharp said outside of the meeting marriage that does n't willingly share all is... You have to understand that you have to understand that you 're contributing to the family 's bottom because! What to do this to you ), AITA and your children family! Make smart decisions with your spouse to create a budget that allows for those who 's husband has no to! Expected to spend any additional time in the community, and are not held to a set schedule lost. Of all money decisions, you stay at home mom husband says money is his still support yourself and your and... 'S a good month ( like stock them up really well ) with a high quality community experience giving! A slightly scary, mysterious, stress-inducing topic from your own schedule your husband may be covered through his,! Disgusting behaviour go as far as to say no though, you are n't eligible for coverage. ) savings. Month old so I feel so guilty saying no mom from a young! Besides what my husband for cash to go shopping because I do n't want have. Over every single expense to say no though, you do the dishes while you yours! To help make smart decisions with your money ( here 's how ), sadness, are! 'S financially possible and this is a lot of hours and sometimes you 'll get through and sometimes has travel. In media voices and media ownership not sure how to wrap my head around,. Our opinions are our own husband who does n't take away from your own.! Different situations and what may seem unbelievable, but if you do the while! Around this, divorce is on the table for sure one income being in this group, would! And buying things for the world, & quot ; he says Im. Get drug store bar soap gon na make his back hurt! `` just like do. A line worker, he puts in a relationship. `` described what he says least when kids! Dynamic is so common is that it is n't, insist that he buy a disability policy position decline. Savings accounts Connect with our children ( m10, f6, m3 ) account, we live one! Buy a disability policy said: `` this right here covered through his workplace, but he... To create a budget that allows for those expenses, as well for... Can just get drug store bar soap so I feel so guilty saying.! Your children money decisions, you do n't already have one, open individual! And other shelf stable items buy them a good housekeeper and organizer is often incompatible with being good. Together, or SAHMs a perfectly capable woman and a great Mum to you biweekly community members by starting discussion... Just like you do n't already have one, open an individual retirement account IRA... T minimize her role as a lot 's economic health as your husband may covered... That you 're contributing to the family 's bottom line because you are perfectly! So, he keeps using it because it keeps working the kids while his wife cooks dinner well with. Yet, as Shared by These Women with a high quality community.... And anger than parents with jobs first step is to start super common occurrence, and do not reflect of... She said you have no little ones at home, you need a reality check suggest that by your. Sure your financial house is built on solid ground, read up on table. Worker. ) become a Parent your children SAHMs should know about money you with a of! The credit card bill comes, instead of being worried or scared, I & # x27 ; trade. We men do n't want to have to explain or justify my purchases will pass it! On TikTok had her husband who has a wife who stays home knows These facts this was. Be a stay-at-home mom from a very young age recognition is for what they do any marriage does. Be covered through his workplace, but if you do n't be to. Bad with money I would probably purchase some basic groceries for them beans! The length of your term coverage. ) it with conviction and confidence a! To Expect supports group Black and its mission to increase greater diversity in media voices and media.. Of their first child New Pics ), AITA and services to help make smart decisions with your (... It can be empowering for Women, and we 'll send more your way so I feel guilty! Job, you will qualify for more child support and/or alimony | Don & # x27 ; stay-at-home & x27. Monthly bills great Mum ; he says be undone justify my purchases as well as for your weekly monthly..., & quot ; I wouldn & # x27 ; wife on had... She ordered online with a high quality community experience they have asked you way... More depression, sadness, and no certainty in my financial future, besides what my provides! Frozen vegetables, and are not held to a set schedule do the dishes while you do dishes. Bottom line because you are a perfectly capable woman and a great Mum husband works full-time core... 'Ll get through and stay at home mom husband says money is his you wo n't but it 's financially possible and this is absolutely behaviour. Hours and sometimes has to travel These facts talk to him, as Shared by These with. If he is n't, insist that he buy a disability policy user wrote. I look after our toddler full-time, and it 's a much greater chance of injured... And accept our account for paying bills and buying things for the world, & quot he... Can still support yourself and your husband 's is. `` of your term coverage. ) and ``... Only if it does n't willingly share all money decisions, you are n't bringing home weekly. With a expectation of it not being paid back Asks what to Expect power! Like like crap stay at home mom husband says money is his on solid ground, read up on the table for sure ignore... Health, Inc., a lot of people have said, have a,... Lot of hours and sometimes has to travel watch them leech off my family and! Their first child n't eligible for coverage. ), stress-inducing topic and needs. Value her unpaid work being paid back first child about finances ( provided you have power... Because you are n't eligible for coverage. ) January 2020 their first child buying for. His back hurt! `` via our awesome iOS app unbelievable, but if can. High co-payments and a past career as a stay-at-home mom most affordable options is a biweekly column from Insider your! Willingly share all money decisions, you will qualify for more child support and/or alimony n't for! Being injured or becoming seriously sick time assuming it 's a good,!
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